Children can be genuinely wierd sometimes.

As heard on the way to the chip shop:

Boy: Know what would be cool? If you could send a woodlice into space!
Other Boy: Yeah, cause then it'd be like "Whoa..."

Claudie wrote this entry at Thursday 22nd May at 10:40am // |

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Phone in Callers from Hell

There are many things an insomniac can do during those long, lonely hours with only Ed the Teddy for company such as do your washing, counting sheep, reading a book, writing the great British novel and the ever handy late night radio shows. For for those of us who missed the latest bus to the land of nod, these things can be the greatest invention since Amy Winehouse's hairspray.

Imagine, for a moment, that for the cost of a phone call, you can spend your last waking hours annoying the hell out of a good proportion of complete strangers in your area with your dubious mix of drunken logic and never ending anecdotes and you don't even have to put your shoes on to do it.

There are several rules to being the phone in caller from hell.

Firstly, you must always use a made up name and location. If in doubt, or too drunk to stand up though somehow you've managed to dial the radio station (do make sure it's the radio station and not your mother's number you've dialed, that can be hazardous to both your health and that of your mother) then use Larry from Springfield. There are so many of them that even on the off chance someone thinks it might be you, this should throw them off the scent. The only really exception is if your parents actually had the poor taste to call you Lawrence, then use Moe and ask whether they'd like a duff.

Secondly, don't crawl to the presenter, agree with everything they say or greet them like you would greet a long lost friend. You'll put the psychopaths who really do this out of a job and often, they know where you live.

Thirdly, start as out seeming as normal as possible. I know for many people this would be a great problem, so here's a few tips.

- Clear your throat several times as if you are about to make a speech that decides something of great importance.

- Say the word yes in the most pretentious tone you can find. If you're having trouble with this, think of what tone your mother would use if you were thirteen and had gotten some girl pregnant with twins and she's taking the moral high ground. If that fails, just think about someone grabbing you between the legs, it has more or less the same effect.

- Launch into a mad tirade quickly and swiftly, without chance of being cut off, about how the government stole your socks.

Fourthly, do not use any phrase you would actually use in your every day life. It's a little known fact that when on the radio, everyone sounds like a policeman giving evidence so include plenty of "afforementioned"s, "procedure dictates" and the occasional "I'm not racist but..."s. Don't take it too far though, sarcasm doesn't always come across too clear when broadcasting through that amount of peoples ears.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, do not let the presenter cut you off mid-flow. When you start to feel your flow diminish, bring it to a large and hysterical climax, throw in wild and unsubstantiated sexual allegations about the first politicians name you can remember (extra points if they're still alive), shout how you're glad Bush has finally accepted his homosexuality and then hang up immediately.

Goodnight, Seattle, we love you.

Claudie wrote this entry at Friday 11th April at 01:40am // |